James Breakwell has over 1 million social media followers, and for good reason.
The father of four very funny daughters, James shares hilarious snippets of his daily life on his account @XplodingUnicorn.
I’ve put together a list of some of my favorite quips of his…hope you enjoy them as much as I did!
#1
6-year-old: I'm not doing it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2019
Me: What?
6: Today.
Sorry, folks. Thursday is canceled.
#2
Me: We're going to Grandma's house.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2019
6-year-old: Yeah! No rules!
Me: There are rules.
6: Maybe for you.
#3
6-year-old: Do dragons fart fire?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2019
Me: I don't know.
6: I thought you went to college.
#4
Just overheard my 5-year-old tell her sisters, "…and that's how you defuse a bomb," and now I feel like I should probably pay attention.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 8, 2019
#5
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you exactly where something is but now has to get it herself because you couldn't find it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2022
#6
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That's the kid version of "as per my last email."
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2024
#7
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2018
8-year-old: Who's coming over?
Me: No one. We're cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
#8
After school, instead of getting in the back of my van like she usually does, my 12-year-old sat shotgun and said, "This is front seat talk," and oh boy was some tea spilled.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2023
#9
Me: What did you do at school today?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
#10
6-year-old: *fast forwards all the way through a movie*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2017
Me: You can’t just skip to the happy ending.
6: I don't have time for problems.
#11
7-year-old: You got a letter!
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2019
Me: It's a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She's my financial planner now.
#12
3-year-old: You married my mom.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2018
Me: I did.
3: You didn't ask me.
Me: It was before you were born.
3: That's not very nice.
#13
In case you wondered what it's like to raise 4 daughters, I had to settle a heated fight over whose turn it was to ride an imaginary dolphin
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2016
#14
8-year-old: Want to play a board game?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2022
Me: Yes! You never want to play with me.
8: My homework is to be nice to the elderly.
#15
Before I became a parent, I never thought I would break up a fight at a living room guinea pig fashion show, yet here we are.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2021
#16
5-year-old: Do I have to fall in love someday?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2020
Me: No.
5: Good. I have stuff to do.
#17
7-year-old: All the boys said they were faster than girls in gym class.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2017
Me: What did you say?
7: Nothing. I just beat them.
#18
How to clean up glitter:
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2018
1) Burn down your house.
2) Move.
3) The glitter followed you. There is no escape.
#19
8-year-old: It must be nice being a mom.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2018
My wife: Why?
8: You make the rules and everybody listens.
Wife: *dies laughing*
#20
5-year-old: Dad?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2019
Me: Yeah?
5: Were you alive in the 80s?
Me: Yeah.
5: Were there dragons?
#21
Me: Only female mosquitos bite.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 2, 2017
7-year-old: I knew that.
Me: You did?
7: Girls always do all the work.
#22
Me: Who made this mess?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2019
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
#23
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2023
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
#24
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2018
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
#25
Two of my kids just had an entire argument by singing at each other and now I understand how musicals are made.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2021
You can follow James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
