If you’re feeling like it’s already been a long week, take a little humor break with these 20 tweets that made me laugh.
Janene
#1
THINGS YOU SHOULD OWN IN MIDDLE AGE
— Miss Molly (@missy_molly_mol) April 17, 2024
– a bag of hoover attachments for machines you no longer own
– a selection of pillows which didn’t turn out to be the one
– A dizzying array of exotic spices with 1 teaspoon out of it that you used for that recipe one time
#2
Google Maps, don't tell me to "head west" down a road. I don't know what "west" is. I'm not a sea captain.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) January 9, 2014
#3
Interviewed a lovely young man for the coffee shop.
— Tashy McTashface (@TashP351) July 17, 2024
Reading through his CV I said “oh you worked for so & so, hopefully not while the infamous horrible rude woman was the manager there?!”
“My mum? Yes.”
😬
#4
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they're the same pillows we have at home
— katie (@katefeetie) July 16, 2024
#5
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
— Big Papi (@Bmangall20) October 8, 2024
#6
It’s raining and my 3.5yo says his knee is acting up. So, it’s safe to say we spend too much time with grandpa.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) April 18, 2024
#7
Technology has gone too far man. My roommate is logged out of his lightbulbs because he forgot his password
— Kenty (@FakeKenty) March 25, 2025
#8
I made garlic bread last night and my grandson said, "The cheesoning on this bread is delicious!"
— Salted Onion 🐀 (@SaltedOnion) May 2, 2024
From now on, the cheese on top of food will be called 'The Cheesoning."
#9
I’ve never met a windshield wiper speed that understands me.
— Kellalena (@topaz_kell) April 17, 2024
#10
Nothing more passive aggressive than a login that doesn’t let you see what you’ve put in as your password.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) February 29, 2024
#11
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
— The Angel 🖤 (@Angel_150913) April 16, 2024
#12
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
— Dx: Moonstruck (@moonstruckinnyc) July 1, 2022
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
#13
It’s not a true driver’s license picture unless you look like all the happiness has been sucked out of your soul.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 15, 2024
#14
Hit the end of my rope on vacation and said we aren't going on another vacation until the kids are 18, and instead of that statement having any emotional impact, the kids are excitedly talking about how they're going to bring their husbands and wives and children.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 21, 2024
#15
i love how the dr’s office is like “ok let’s get your weight” and have you stand on the scale with your coat and purse
— camille (@prairie_posie) December 20, 2024
#16
Does UPS know that we don’t care when the “label was created?”
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) December 7, 2023
#17
Just met 4 dachshunds in the park called Gary, Steve, Kevin and Dave, and my day improved by approximately 659%
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) April 12, 2024
#18
computer: "save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?"
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) September 26, 2018
me: "yea”
#19
Trainer: what are your goals?
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 8, 2017
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
#20
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) March 5, 2024
#21
When a TV breaks today we buy a new TV.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 29, 2024
When a TV broke in the 80s we watched a smaller TV on top of the broken TV for a full season of "Three's Company."
