Here’s a little collection of some funny and relatable marriage quips.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
once my dad asked what my mom wanted for xmas. "a new vacuum." office ladies asked him what he was getting his wife for xmas. "she asked for a vacuum." "you cant give her a VACUUM!" convinced. he buys her diamond & sapphire earrings. xmas morning: "thx but….what abt the vacuum"
— sympathetic opposition (@sympatheticopp) July 23, 2024
#2
My husband said we’d run out of kitchen towel so I performed that mind blowing magic trick where I got another one from the cupboard they’ve been stored in since we moved into this house 9 years ago I am very talented
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 7, 2021
#3
My husband was snoring while napping on the couch so I nudged him to stop, then he woke up and immediately went into the kitchen and loudly ate a bowl of cereal. It was like a “most-hated sounds of marriage” compilation.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 17, 2021
#4
my wife thinks just because these shorts have 2 holes in them that I should throw them away. She doesn't understand that I have new lounge around the house shorts now. They've been promoted.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 4, 2024
#5
The only thing my wife hates more than picking a place to eat is the place I just picked.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2023
#6
Babe it’s my emotional support invisible brake pedal on the passenger side of the car.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) July 10, 2024
#7
Stopped for a sec to see what my wife was watching and all of the sudden I’m 90 minutes deep into a show called Love is Blind.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 23, 2024
#8
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) July 13, 2024
#9
Today, my husband learned that bras don’t go in the dryer. He'd tell you himself, but he's still locked out of the house.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2024
#10
When my wife says “So I was thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re either moving or starting another home reno project.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 30, 2023
#11
My husband chose this weekend to attempt to build a stone patio for his grill. Anyhoooo I’m just watching him destroy our backyard two days before an outdoor party we are throwing. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Perfectly. Fine.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 7, 2022
#12
A gender reveal but it’s me and my husband opening up the speed trap camera ticket to see who was behind the wheel
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) July 5, 2024
#13
My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 9, 2022
#14
Sitting my husband down after a week apart for a little presentation of all the internet videos I saved for him to watch
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 24, 2024
#15
A tracking device to find your husband when he goes off to get something in the supermarket and disappears.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) July 27, 2024
#16
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
— Jasmine Crowe-Houston (@jasminecrowe) July 2, 2024
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time.
#17
Wife accidentally fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping in the garage tonight.
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) July 18, 2024
#18
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 4, 2024
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
#19
My wife changed the password on the TV because I watched one of our shows when she wasn't home.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 9, 2024
#20
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 5, 2024
#21
every relationship needs one person who says “What else has he been in” while watching something and one person who excitedly reads their IMDB out loud
— keegan (@FranziaMom) January 19, 2024
#22
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
— smerobin (@smerobin) March 12, 2019
#23
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) July 15, 2024
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked "Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"
I replied "Get lost, I'm not falling for that again".
#24
nobody:
— {kate’s version}❤️🔥✨🧡 (@xkrdx) July 25, 2024
my husband: we should toss that mop bucket it’s been sitting in the same place for 6 months
me, who mops the floors multiple times throughout the week and then puts the mop bucket back in the same place:
uh….. No? pic.twitter.com/L38waB31ha
#25
My wife has written my name on my train picnic sandwich. I am 54 years old. pic.twitter.com/JEdIdZoUPb
— Jason Westerman #MDANT (@westyjase) July 25, 2024
