20 Funny and Relatable Posts About Married Life

It's 7:36 am and my wife's on the phone with someone and already asking for a Manager. So I'm gonna go ahead and look busy now

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 2, 2024

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 23, 2024

hate when my husband gives me some crazy directions like “i’m in the south west corner” it’s a costco parking lot i have no idea where i even am let alone what you mean by south or west

— amil (@amil) May 11, 2024

My wife's just sitting here eating chips and spicy salsa at 9 pm like she's young or something.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 1, 2024

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

"Pick that up."

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 2, 2017

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, "Too many. You're wasting them!"

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 28, 2017

Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 28, 2017

I hope to one day be as happy as my Dad just was when he used something my mom has been telling him to throw away for the last 36 year.

— Amanda B (@amandajpanda) May 4, 2024

Marriage is telling your spouse you heard about a cool new restaurant on a Monday only for them to repeat to you on a Friday “there’s this cool new restaurant I just heard about”

— floorboard (@StruggleDisplay) October 13, 2022

dating: Of course I'll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you're not home by 6, I'll eat your dinner, too.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 7, 2024

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 16, 2024

I have a long drive with my husband today, and he doesn't know it yet, but he gets to listen to 31 Taylor Swfit songs in order with commentary from me

— Paige❤️‍🔥 (@bejeweledpaige) May 3, 2024

has anyone tried the “Scandinavian sleeping” thing where each partner has their own blanket & no flat sheet? my partner recommended it a while back but I didn’t think it was a good idea. we slept with our own comforters last night & omg this is a game changer 😂

— kels | tortured lawyers department (@kelspluscoffee) May 13, 2024

I went for a run this morning shirtless

Wife pulls up and yells “put on a shirt you dirty whore” then speeds off

To the bewilderment of onlookers who came over to comfort me 😂

— Cognac Insomniac Skynet (@skynet47397425) May 21, 2024

I was just about to do that.

-Me anytime my wife empties the dishwasher, folds laundry, vacuums the floors, cleans the kitchen….

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 5, 2024

There are people who hate clutter and there are people who love to make little piles everywhere that they will get to later and these people marry each other.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) January 29, 2026

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023

My wife puts groceries on the conveyor belt like there may be an award for most organized.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 4, 2024

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

— Jew in a Canoe ✡️🇨🇦 memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) May 7, 2024

It's my wife's job to tell me our exit is 2 miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is 2 miles away.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 7, 2024