20 Funny Posts to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

5yo was on the iPad and found his way to Amazon.

Calling from the other room: “Hey Mama, can I press ‘buy now’? This is only $390.”

In other news, I set a new sprint record.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 18, 2023

To optimize good sleep before bed:
-Take a hot bath
-Get blackout curtains
-Watch 200 4-second videos inches from your face
-Practice deep breathing

— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) November 21, 2024

Last night, while my 5yo gave me a tour of her imaginary house, she pointed to a table and said "we got this one off the side of the road."

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) November 20, 2024

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

"but i don't want my stuff stolen"

*covers it with towel*

"ok now it's safe"

— the hype (@TheHyyyype) July 11, 2017

People who cancel plans last minute, I have one thing to say to you: you are my people, my one true joy

— Dx: Moonstruck (@moonstruckinnyc) August 19, 2022

Before kids: “My KiDs WiLL eAt wHaT I GiVe ThEm.”

Two kids in: “What do you want for lunch? A bowl of ketchup with a side of melted ice cream? Ok, here you go.”

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 23, 2023

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you exactly where something is but now has to get it herself because you couldn't find it.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2022

Name a book that made you cry. I'll go first. Calculus.

— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) January 9, 2021

I have a friend who is a meteorologist.

When he wants to hang out I tell him there's a 100% chance I'll be there and then I don't show up.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 18, 2024

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 27, 2024

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) May 3, 2020

6-year-old: Did you and Mom text each other back when you were dating?

Me: We didn't have cell phones.

6: Because there was no electricity?

Yeah. That's it.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2019

20's: need to look cool when I go out

30's: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40's: need to be comfortable when I go out

50's: I don't need to go out

— 🌜🤷‍♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) July 14, 2023

I introduced my dad to binge watching and half way through the 5th season of Breaking Bad he declared, 'This is the weirdest movie I've ever seen, it's so long.'

— smerobin (@smerobin) July 6, 2022

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

— Mr.Carter (@dexteristwisted) April 16, 2024

Cop: you're going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 17, 2020

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) October 16, 2022

Every time they ask my name in Starbucks I think about Cark. pic.twitter.com/BuKzmgJzrc

— KT Tunstall (@KTTunstall) April 21, 2024