20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

I love leap years, every 4 years the calendar just goes now let’s do a silly one

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) January 1, 2024

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 5, 2024

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you have an accent. There is no such thing as not having an accent. What you think is a lack of accent is still an accent. I will die on this hill.

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) January 4, 2024

Welcome to middle age. You brace yourself when sneezing now.

— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) January 4, 2024

My therapist and I saw each other at the grocery store and pretended not to know each other. Next week’s session writes itself.

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 2, 2024

Why don’t they make a line of adult PEZ dispensers full of things like antacids and Advil?

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 4, 2024

Just saw somebody come to the gym, drink some water, take a photo on the treadmill and leave.😩🤦🏽‍♀️

— Caroline Kautsire (@CarolineKautsi1) January 4, 2024

Overheard my kid asking her dad who his favorite princess is and bonus points for him because he said “Mom” and didn’t even know I was listening.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) January 3, 2024

Did a huge grocery shopping trip today & then ordered Chinese food for dinner because that’s the unwritten law.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 7, 2024

You learn a lot about yourself when you leave the house and interact with new people. For example, I learned I hate leaving the house and interacting with new people.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 5, 2024

Rare sighting of a sewing kit in an embryonic phase pic.twitter.com/iSG2jSdd5z

— Jennifer Tseng (IG: @tsengjennifermd) (@TsengJennifer) January 5, 2024

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) January 4, 2024

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 1, 2024

It wouldn’t hurt logins to be more encouraging and say “Not quite. You’re close though..”

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 5, 2024

Me to my kids: I need 5 minutes alone with my thoughts
My thoughts: buy bananas

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 6, 2024

You really should not go to IKEA alone, it’s not a place meant for a solo trip, I’ve been here for two hours, staring glassy eyed at kitchens and closets, contemplating resigning my entire house in 1000 ways but so far I’ve actually only gotten one toy for my baby and…lunch.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) January 3, 2024

I don't know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 4, 2024

My husband went to the store this morning and came home with sparkling wine and I was like this is nice but did you get the fruit I asked for? And he goes “fruit? Sorry, I thought you said Brut”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 31, 2023

First grader: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: Sure.

First grader: Okay, first of all, I have to tell you about Bob. Bob loves tacos.

Me: Got it.

First grader: Ready?

Me: Yes.

First grader: Knock know.

Me: Who's there?

First grader: NOT BOB, BECAUSE HE'S OUT GETTING TACOS

— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) January 4, 2024

So I notice some unauthorized plant growth on the kitchen counter and gosh darnit I think I’m an onion farmer now pic.twitter.com/Pht87AtZnP

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 1, 2024