20 Hilarious Tweets From Funny Mom "I Don't Speak Whine"

Today I’m sharing tweets from KJ, the funny mom behind the Twitter account “I Don’t Speak Whine”. KJ’s quips on marriage and parenting are both hilarious and spot-on.

As her Twitter bio states she’s “Just a mom trying to stay sane one day at a time with 2 teens and a silly dog!”

Sounds a lot like my life…except add one more kid and a cat to the mix.

I’ve rounded up 20 of her best tweets for you…enjoy! Janene

#1

Introvert me is pissed off at yesterday me for trying to be an extrovert for 5 minutes and accidentally making plans for today
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 9, 2022

#2

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 5, 2022

#3

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 11, 2022

#4

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don't know that every bowl you own is in their room.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 6, 2022

#5

I have a new neighbor that no one has seen during the day, but last night he mowed his lawn at 9pm while wearing a headlamp and I feel like this neighborhood group chat is about to turn into a 'Burbs situation
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 19, 2022

#6

I introduced my kids to Ramen too early and they're tired of eating it and now I have no idea how they're going to survive in college.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 17, 2022

#7

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son's folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he's standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 7, 2023

#8

My son interrupted my phone call to tell me that he was going to die of boredom. I informed him that was impossible since I'm still alive after listening to him talk about Minecraft for the last 5 years.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) June 7, 2021

#9

My teen daughter, who does this little clapping thing with her hands when she's happy and smiles when she lies, wants to play poker with me and I'm all in!
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 23, 2022

#10

I joked that it was easier to get out of the mob than the PTA, but discovered that I was talking to the president of the PTA who told me that I'm not "PTA material", so I guess it's really not that hard to get out of the PTA
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 16, 2022

#11

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that's why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It's not on the way.

13: I'll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let's go.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 28, 2023

#12

My 15 y/o daughter was complaining about her younger cousin waking her up and said, "You have no idea what it's like to open your eyes and see someone else’s face 4 inches away from yours" and I laughed and laughed because karma is real.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 14, 2022

#13

Teens be like, my room is a disaster and I didn't do any of my chores, but I need $20 and a ride.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 8, 2023

#14

Me: Ohhhh sweetie, you have….

My teen: OMG! LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!

Me, now whispering: …your leggings on inside out, but please… go live your life.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 6, 2023

#15

[on my deathbed]

My kids: These Cheez-Its are stale

Me: *whispers* Come closer…THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE BOX OPEN!
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 23, 2022

#16

I don't mean to brag, but I scored a parenting hat trick this morning…

… I made my teen sigh, roll her eyes and leave the room because I looked at her and smiled.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 14, 2023

#17

My kids will never appreciate the amount of extroverting the introvert me does for them
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) August 15, 2022

#18

My husband just lovingly stared into my eyes and whispered, "Stay away, I don't want to get sick" after I sneezed 3 times in a row, in case anyone is wondering what marriage looks like after 17 years
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 2, 2022

#19

[at the Vet]

Me: Keep an eye on her because she likes to chew on her leash.

Vet Tech: Ohh, I do this all the time. She'll be fine.

*10 minutes later*

Vet Tech: You're not going to believe this but… pic.twitter.com/fMezJheUrq
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 6, 2023

#20 I literally wrote a post on the crazy questions my kids have asked! Check it out here: “What I Realized After My Kids Said “Mom” 159 Times in 6 Hours”

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I'm fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 10, 2022

You can follow KJ on Twitter for more!

20 Hilarious Tweets From Funny Mom “I Don’t Speak Whine”

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#19

#20 I literally wrote a post on the crazy questions my kids have asked! Check it out here: “What I Realized After My Kids Said “Mom” 159 Times in 6 Hours”

For more laughs, check out one of my most popular humor posts: “Out of the Mouths of Babes: 25 Funny Quips From Kids”

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#18

#19

#20 I literally wrote a post on the crazy questions my kids have asked! Check it out here: “What I Realized After My Kids Said “Mom” 159 Times in 6 Hours”

For more laughs, check out one of my most popular humor posts: “Out of the Mouths of Babes: 25 Funny Quips From Kids”

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