25 Funny Tweets from the Relatable “Dan Regan Comedy”

I care way too much about the weather for someone who doesn't like to leave the house.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 27, 2024

When a TV breaks today we buy a new TV.

When a TV broke in the 80s we watched a smaller TV on top of the broken TV for a full season of "Three's Company."

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 29, 2024

If I were lost, but I had a compass, I would still be lost.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 18, 2024

I'm ready for bed around 9ish, and by 9ish I mean 6:30PM.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 4, 2024

Some people exercise before breakfast.

I've watched a show I didn't like because the remote fell on the floor.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 26, 2023

Live it up young people, because one day you'll have a favorite cashier at the grocery store.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 1, 2024

The older you get the more annoyed you become when an unfamiliar car drives down your street.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 19, 2024

When my wife says "You know I've been thinking" there's a 85% chance we're going to end up in a store.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) October 11, 2022

A 90 minute movie takes 2.5 hours to watch because my wife and I pause it to figure out what other movies an actor/actress was in.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 14, 2022

Some couples exercise together.

My wife and I send each other articles when we're sitting in the same room.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) October 7, 2022

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I'm loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen "to get something."

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 23, 2024

You think you're cool until you hear a recording of your voice.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 5, 2024

My wife set parental controls on Netflix because I watched a show without her.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 22, 2021

My wife can't remember the password that she changed yesterday, but can remember what I said on June 8, 2014 at 6:47PM.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 21, 2023

I'm not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 1, 2024

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 18, 2017

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 2, 2024

I don't mean to brag but I walked into a room and remembered why I walked in.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 1, 2022

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can't roll their eyes.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 5, 2024

Getting older means your arm must be in a certain position before going to bed so you'll have full use of it the next day.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 7, 2024

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house

– cook 4-36 hours (on low)

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 14, 2024

Marriage is driving by gas stations and announcing the prices.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 12, 2024

Treadmill minutes are 5 times longer than sleep minutes.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 28, 2024

When I was a kid, the people who were the age I am now seemed a lot older.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 10, 2024

It's my wife's job to tell me our exit is 2 miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is 2 miles away.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 7, 2024