Here’s a little collection of some funny and relatable marriage quips.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
#2
#3
#4
#5
#6
#7
#8
me: I'm doing a grocery order, do you need anything
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 2, 2025
husband: no
***
me: I'm going to pick up the grocery order
husband: peanut butter
#9
I told my husband I was fine, then made dinner at a volume that said otherwise.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 11, 2025
#10
Told my husband my foot has been bothering me for the last few weeks.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) August 13, 2025
Him: Maybe you should go to the doctor.
Me: No.
Him: Maybe you should ice it.
Me: No.
Him: Maybe you need new running shoes.
Me: Yeah, that’s probably it.
#11
my husband spent four days with 9 of his oldest friends. i asked him if there was any news about their marriages, kids, families, jobs, etc. he said no. i asked what they talked about. he said they mostly tried to name every state capital and then every african country
— mindy🌷 (@mindyisser) August 21, 2025
#12
My wife wants to have deeper more meaningful conversations but 30 seconds into my fantasy football draft strategy re-cap I can already tell she isn’t into it.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 18, 2025
#13
My husband told me that he used my sock trick on a recent trip so he wouldn't lose any. Reader, my "sock trick" is rolling matching pairs together
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 10, 2025
#14
Today is my husband’s birthday so tonight we are doing EXACTLY what he wants which is my daughter’s wedding venue tour, menu tasting, cutlery and dinnerware selection, floral preview, and a two hour presentation on what to expect on wedding day in 6 months.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 6, 2025
He cannot wait.
#15
Getting older is weird, why am I so excited to tell my husband about the new 4-way stop near our house
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 8, 2025
#16
My wife: So I was thinking, something we could do this weekend could be you hanging those shelves.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 16, 2025
#17
wife: don't go getting all crazy with that thing like you do.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 16, 2025
'that thing' = tape measure
'getting all crazy' = accurately measure stuff
#18
Never ask your wife where she wants to eat.
— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) August 18, 2025
Ask her, "Guess where I'm taking you!?" And whatever she says is where you go.
Follow me for more marriage and relationship advice.'
#19
In every marriage, there are two types of people: the one who checks the menu ahead of time, and the one I'm currently waiting on.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 21, 2025
#20
Marriage means intentionally overlooking all the stupid little things your spouse does that could have easily been avoided had they just listened to you in the first place.
— Large Marge (@moej4prez) August 19, 2025
#21
Told my husband I heard a fun idea where we spend 10 minutes every night cleaning up before bed and he informed me he already does this for an hour and "oh my god did you not even notice" and now I regret sharing this.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 22, 2025
#22
Don’t mind me, I’m just very quietly sitting here while my husband loads the dishwasher wrong.
— krista (@kristabellerina) August 20, 2025
#23
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I'm looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
— The Dad (@thedad) November 4, 2023
#24
Me: There’s some coffee for you in the kitchen.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) August 15, 2025
Husband: Aw, than—
Me: You just gotta make it first.
#25
My wife and I have an agreement on household chores: I do things my way, I redo them her way.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 21, 2025
