The 20 Funniest Tweets on Marriage and Parenting This Week

My boyfriend washed dishes and I haven’t said anything about it. He’s said “wow this kitchen looks spotless” twice since 8pm

— mp (@friasmp) November 13, 2022

Right now there is an aunt buying all the ingredients for that thing she brings every Thanksgiving that everyone in the family hates.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 14, 2022

Kid having a complete meltdown at the grocery store. The mom goes “Sweetheart, please use your words to tell me what’s wrong.” Kid sniffles, wipes his nose on his shirt, deep steadying breath, screams, “WHEN YOU TELL ME NO, IT SOUNDS BAD IN MY EARS AND FEELS BAD IN MY HEART!”

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) November 17, 2022

I just asked my 2yo what his dads name was and he said “Magnifying Glass”. I said “Wait, do you think that’s what Matt is short for?” And he nodded yes.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 17, 2022

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you exactly where something is but now has to get it herself because you couldn't find it.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2022

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 11, 2022

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) November 15, 2022

Having a two-year old is like living with a little gnome from a folk tale that you have to trick into doing things because if you ask it directly it will curse you

— Butt Praxis [email protected] (@buttpraxis) November 17, 2022

I never saw myself getting a divorce, but then my husband let our toddler have a granola bar in the living room after I finished vacuuming it.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 15, 2022

Yesterday my husband told me he liked cleaning the kitchen and we almost ended up with baby number four.

— My Life Is The Pitts Family (@LifePitts) November 12, 2022

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 15, 2022

Thoughts and prayers for my 12-year-old.

I asked her to replace the toilet paper roll and now she's now in tears because she has to do everything around here.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2022

6yo: I cried at school today, but only twice, and only a little bit. The tears did not come all the way down.

Me: oh, gosh, buddy, I’m sorry. Did something bad happen?

6: No, I just drew a turkey in my writing notebook, and he was so beautiful. I was so proud of him. 🥺

— Audrey Burges (@Audrey_Burges) November 15, 2022

I don't want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 17, 2022

A 90 minute movie takes 2.5 hours to watch because my wife and I pause it to figure out what other movies an actor/actress was in.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 14, 2022

I was laying on the couch and my wife walked by with a hammer, tape measure and a level but didn’t say a word to me. This is a test, right?

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) November 16, 2022

It’s great weather for looking out of the window and sighing heavily.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) November 15, 2022

My twins learned some new adjectives at school today and are currently arguing about whether the dinner I cooked is abominable or diabolical

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) November 14, 2022

The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 13, 2022

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) November 14, 2022