20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

— juliette⋆₊⋆☁︎ (@jaisydaisy_) September 24, 2024

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 27, 2024

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said "11:48" and he laughed and said "Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?" and I'm just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 25, 2024

me: ok im for real going to go to bed early tonight

my brain: hey so unfortunately you gotta research what kind of whale is the biggest whale

— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) September 23, 2024

This just in, do NOT eat the Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie if you’re 25+. Your body no longer has a Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie enzyme. You WILL get nauseous.

— Morgan 🇵🇸 (@8bitfunk) September 23, 2024

Nothing scarier than sitting for the first time on a chair you put together yourself

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 22, 2024

Canceling plans because I’m not the same person I was when I made them

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) September 22, 2024

My boyfriend will not stop talking about how State Farm needs to sign Malik Nabers because they’d have endless “like a good Nabers State Farm is there” jokes and I gotta say, he ain’t wrong

— Perri Goldstein (@perri_goldstein) September 27, 2024

unfortunately my new favorite drug is going to bed at 10 and waking up at 7 feeling really well rested

— trash jones (@jzux) September 25, 2024

I did not realize how much of my adult life would be spent thinking about protein

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 21, 2024

Last night I was up 5 different times with 2 different kids and slept in 3 different beds and today my husband was like “were you up in the middle of the night just hanging out or something??” …yes, that’s exactly what I was doing 😂

— littlebillie (@littlebillie) September 28, 2024

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

— Christin (@hexprax) September 23, 2024

“ai is coming for your jobs” i’d like to see ai procrastinate all day before a 2pm meeting

— sophie (@netcapgirl) September 25, 2024

How I’m going to bed knowing I cleaned all day but you can’t tell cause my family lives here pic.twitter.com/eKtuOWOSoR

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 24, 2024

i met a boy at a bar and he filled out the WHOLE contact form in my phone. i have his birthday, his address, his mothers full name

— vic (@friccvicc) September 24, 2024

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

— roxy demento (@falseroxy) September 24, 2024

GIRLS WHO LEAVE CLOTHING REVIEWS WITH THEIR HEIGHT WEIGHT AND SIZE ORDERED ARE GOING TO HEAVEN.

— 𝘀𝗼𝗳𝗲𝗮 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 🪽 (@goodlucksofea) September 22, 2024

Nobody is more proud of you than your moms friends who knew you when you were little lol

— lady . (@LadyLondon) September 24, 2024

Grown men really do return from a trip, carry their suitcase into the bedroom, open it on the floor, and leave it for two months. Like, this is their dresser now.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 27, 2024

“Worm Regards” pic.twitter.com/rKHDPzRuLO

— Steph (@stephanitely21) September 23, 2024