25 of the Best Quips From Women This Week

Me: I’m not old

The flashlight on my phone that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

— meghan (@deloisivete) April 26, 2025

the way the gym is so busy at 10am needs to be studied. like yeah I’m not at work but why are YOU ALL not at work

— em (@emilybastow_) April 24, 2025

do you ever feel like your muscles or joints need a kind of stretch or massage that doesn’t exist. whenever that happens because i slept funny or whatever i start having fantasies my spine getting wrung out like a towel or someone driving slowly over my back with a car

— latke (@latkedelrey) April 24, 2025

just irish goodbyed my own birthday party as my ancestors intended

— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) April 20, 2025

We were at a restaurant when a woman walked right up to my husband and said, “You’re so handsome! I love your beard.” I was about to throw hands—until I realized she was about 90 and using a walker. I’m gonna let this one slide, but I got my eye on you, Granny.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 24, 2025

just accidentally closed a tab i've had been meaning to read for the past 2 years

— alfie (@alfienxo) April 23, 2025

“listen to your body” ok well my body wants to lay down and eat snacks 14 hours a day

— grace 🤝 (@debtbarbie) April 21, 2025

the worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

— M 🍓 (@babyariees) April 22, 2025

Please don’t ask me what “my passion” is. I'm an adult. I consider it a win if nothing expensive breaks, I don't find a new bruise, and my favorite dish soap goes on sale.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 23, 2024

My 79 year old mother just casually told me she got kicked out of an Applebee’s last Wednesday and I cannot ask enough questions fast enough.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 27, 2025

For years I’ve been telling 5yo to “ask permission” before petting someone’s dog, and I just found out that she now does this by going up and just saying “Permission?”

— Gena Gorlin (@Gena_I_Gorlin) April 26, 2025