20 of the Best Quips From Women This Week

why is sleeping at night so hard but sleeping in the morning is like drifting away on a soft fluffy cloud while adele sings you a lullaby

— Redd (@ReddCinema) February 6, 2025

*writes down password on a random envelope* This should be fine.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 6, 2025

Doctor: You have a disease.

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with exercise.

Me: Oh no!

— Kristen (@Kica333) February 6, 2025

our friends got married and instead of hyphenating they just dropped both their last names and took on a new one they made up. You can really just do whatever you want d

— Grace (@gracecamille_) February 5, 2025

Grandma wrote me an email to ask me to seriously consider whether I'm ready to take ownership of her christmas village.
I think I am, but based on her tone, I've vastly underestimated the work involved in 8 small ceramic houses.

— Betty (@bteyttrttbsee) February 5, 2025

why would i finish my thought when i could have a new, more exciting one

— erika (@yeeeerika) February 4, 2025

Word of the day is 'spuddle' (19th century): to be extremely busy whilst achieving absolutely nothing.

— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) February 6, 2025

We’re dangerously close to an entire generation who doesn’t understand the “Good night John Boy” game.

— Darla (@ddsmidt) February 4, 2025

Teaching is crazy because one second I’m telling a kid not to eat crayons and the next another kid is asking where our souls live

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 2, 2025

I am “cassette tape” years old.

— Kristen (@Kica333) February 1, 2025

I’m sorry you had a rough day, would an obscene amount of pasta help?

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 6, 2025

Just dropped my car off at the garage and managed to drop the word carburettor into conversation with the mechanic so he knows to take me seriously and he told me my car doesn’t have a carburettor

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) February 5, 2025

Trader Joe's is great because you extend your life by eating healthy food, but you also shorten it a little bit in the parking lot. Balance.

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 2, 2025

Lots of my chicken friends selling eggs are getting angry complaints that the eggs are “weird colors” and not all the same size and maybe we’re not ready for non-corporate food 😂

— Emily Zanotti 🦝 (@emzanotti) February 5, 2025

Never apologize for having to cancel plans with me. I didn’t want to leave my house anyway.

— Kristen (@Kica333) February 4, 2025

Me, sliding glass toward waitress: hit me again

Waitress: you…you want a third milkshake

Me: you heard me

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) February 5, 2025

If you let them shenan once, they’ll shenanigan.

— B, The Favorite Ex-GF ✨ (@crushed_silver) February 3, 2025

Me: This song always makes me so sad

also me: play it again

— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) February 2, 2025

“Hey, my kid is selling Girl Sco—”

“Samoas. Two boxes.”

— Vanessa (@Nessakins_) February 7, 2025

Bought some scrunchies from Sephora and the girl was like “have you used these before?”. I was like “yeah, I mean they’re just basically hair ties”. She said “yes, exactly!”.

Can’t stop thinking about it. Did I look like someone who has never tied up her hair before.

— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) February 7, 2025

Do people who go out and do stuff on the weekend know about couches?

— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) February 2, 2025