Top 20 Best Tweets from Funny Mom Jennifer Parker

Glad we spent $25 on the holiday light drive-thru so my 5yo could complain the entire time about the lack of werewolves.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) December 19, 2023

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) December 22, 2023

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) September 28, 2024

Listen, idk how it works but my bed becomes infinitely more comfortable from the hours of 5:30 am to 8:00 pm.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) April 24, 2024

I’m gonna say no to everything today.

— my 5yo really setting the tone for the day

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) April 28, 2024

My superpower is forgetting your name before you even finish telling me what it is.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) July 11, 2024

My 5yo was bragging to his brother about how he does the highest flips on the trampoline. I’m not sure where he gets his need to be better than other people, but he’s mistaken because I’m the highest flipper.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) April 25, 2024

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) September 22, 2024

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) October 14, 2024

Not to brag, but I finished an entire 3-pack of chapstick without losing a single one.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 31, 2024

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) September 15, 2024

Yesterday my 5yo told my husband he never wanted to eat yogurt ever again. And my husband just believed him like some kind of rookie.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 1, 2024

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) September 14, 2024

Mom, how old were you when the Titanic sank?

— my 6yo, removing himself from my will

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) October 11, 2024

The older I get, the larger the percentage of my wardrobe that comes from Costco.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) October 17, 2024

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) December 17, 2023

Is there anything more unsatisfying than getting stuck in traffic for 30 minutes only to never see what caused the traffic?

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) July 1, 2024

Just killed a wasp all by myself so if you need me I’ll be busy growing chest hair and cleaning out the garage.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) June 6, 2024

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 27, 2024

Good morning to everyone except the 3yo who turned my light on at 5:30 am and loudly proclaimed he was wearing underwear.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 29, 2024