15 of the Funniest Marriage Tweets in August 2023

I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and now I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 20, 2023

Congratulations to my wife on the purchase of her two millionth candle.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) August 29, 2023

Life lessons are very important like when your wife is vacuuming don’t watch her and then tell her she missed a spot.

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 23, 2023

My wife always forgets where she puts her phone but remembers that night from 7 years ago when I forgot to refill her water cup before bed

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 21, 2023

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) August 20, 2023

There are those who are 15 minutes early and those who are 15 minutes late, and they marry each other.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 22, 2023

I retrieved my old pair of new balance sneakers from the trash after my wife tried to throw them away, and I'm pretty sure they have only become more powerful

— The Dad (@thedad) August 30, 2023

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

— emily (@emilykmay) August 24, 2023

Get married so you can own 5 different types of coffee machines but your wife still goes to Starbucks.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 10, 2023

It’s hilarious how people in a marriage take on certain household tasks, every month, with no discussion.

My wife doesn’t even know who our cell phone provider is. And I haven’t paid a water bill in 19 years.

— The Dad (@thedad) August 29, 2023

When my wife says “So I was thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re either moving or starting another home reno project.

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 30, 2023

My wife said something about her jeans being too tight while we were driving on a dirt road and now we are nominated for a Country Music Award.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 19, 2023

Everything my husband knows about plants he learned against his will.

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 26, 2023

I spent months planning this road trip down to the last detail. Husband spots a candy store. Boom he’s the hero of this story.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 26, 2023

In college this boy I liked asked me to lunch and also to go to the laundromat. So I went and brought my laundry. It was a great date. Weeks later he was at my apartment and said, “Hey! When did you get this washer/dryer?” And I said, “Oh I’ve always had that.”

He married me.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 17, 2023