20 of the Funniest Tweets About Marriage in September 2023

My wife just bought a ladder. Have I outlasted my usefulness?

— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) September 4, 2023

The only thing my wife hates more than picking a place to eat is the place I just picked.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2023

My husband told me we were out of BBQ sauce because he couldn’t find it so I went to the fridge & looked behind the milk & OMG it’s a miracle: we’re not out of BBQ sauce.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 21, 2023

*My kids were roleplaying my wife and I*

8yo *Being me*: Is this tweet funny? Can I post it?

5yo *Being my wife*: Can you please leave me alone for 5 minutes to drink my coffee?!

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 18, 2023

My sister said she voluntold her husband he has to build a bench for the school and I think I found my new favorite verb.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 19, 2023

There were huge pieces of cheesecake at an event. My wife asked if I wanted to split one. I told her I'd finish whatever she couldn't. She ate the whole thing. She didn't want a partner. She wanted a spotter. I bring out the best in her.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 1, 2023

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 21, 2023

Me: Hey did you know……

Wife: I told you that two days ago, that’s how you know.

Me: makes sense

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 15, 2023

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 1, 2023

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) August 29, 2023

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 6, 2023

When my wife says “So I was thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re either moving or starting another home reno project.

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 30, 2023

My husband said he’s taking me somewhere next weekend but won’t tell me where & I just thought I should publicly document this because it sounds like the beginning of a Dateline episode.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 13, 2023

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 12, 2023

Just quit my job so I would have more time to see all the memes, Reels, & Tik Toks my wife sends me so I don’t make her sad when she asks me if I saw that thing she sent me.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 14, 2023

Husband: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it annoy you when I…

Me: 10

— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) September 4, 2023

did i just eat fish tacos at 9 in the morning? yes.
is my wife drawing up divorce papers as we speak? also yes.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 22, 2023

*Went on a vacation with my wife*

Me: Finally some R&R, no one bothering us.

My wife: You’re bothering me.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 22, 2023

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don't live in a commercial.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 22, 2023

My dad's secretary told my sisters and me that one time the whole office was out having drinks and going around complaining about their wives and when it got time for my dad to say something he said idk I love my wife she's my best friend.

— Lilly (@lillybilly299) September 25, 2023