Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

My kid said he knew I was the tooth fairy so instead of money I put a kazoo under his pillow and now he’s a believer because “mommy would NEVER let me have this”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 3, 2023

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) June 6, 2023

My 5 year old proclaimed she was carsick and we frantically pulled over before realizing that she thought "carsick" meant "sick of being in the car" 😆

— Laura (@laurawritesit) June 4, 2023

15’s boyfriend got a lesson in Women 101 on their date. He asked if she wanted anything to eat at the movies and she said “no”… then ate half his food

— natalayhehoo (@highprobably1) June 8, 2023

My 5yo told me he's carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

— meghan (@deloisivete) June 8, 2023

I ordered some expensive sandals that actually had arch support. I was amazed by how comfy they were but was trying to decide if they were cute when 16 walked out of his room and said, “I like your new old lady shoes,” so I’m returning them.

— AlwaysAshley (@AshleyAlready) June 5, 2023

Coffee is good but nothing wakes you up harder than the adrenaline of searching for a piece of your kid’s sports uniform on Saturday morning.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 3, 2023

I removed my bra without taking off my shirt and my kids looked at me like I was some kind of wizard

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 8, 2023

TEENAGERS BE LIKE:
7am: I don't want to talk about it.
11am: I don't want to talk about it.
2pm: I don't want to talk about it.
6pm: I don't want to talk about it.
11pm: Get comfortable because I'm gonna to tell you every nitty-gritty detail of what happened in my life today

— Raising Teens Today (@HonestTeenTalk) June 3, 2023

Did I wash my clothes? Yes. Was it 3 days ago and they're still in the dryer? Also yes.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 3, 2023

If you are a mom planning to be away from your family for 16 hours, it requires approximately 17 hours of planning and preparation.

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 8, 2023

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to organize sauce pans]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 7, 2023

i asked 13 to vacuum up the kitchen floor and he said in the most complaining tone: "i already did one thing today"

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 6, 2023

4yo: WHY DON’T ANIMALS WEAR CLOTHES
Me: Well, they—
4yo: PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE CLOSETS

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) June 8, 2023

So excited bc I get to do my first fake reprimand call w/ 1 of my kids.

I’ve always told them if they’re ever in a situation that’s making them uncomfortable, they can use me as an excuse. “Dude I gotta go. My mom’s unreasonable. She’s making me go bc I forgot to do my chores”

— Irreverent Reverend ✊🏼🙏🏼 (@TheAmberPicota) June 3, 2023

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 4, 2023

My wife texted me this picture of her cart at Costco with the caption, "This is why I always beat you at Tetris." Savage. I think I'm in love. pic.twitter.com/sNPOUoxr2v

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2023

The Girl Child went to a potato-themed birthday party for a nine-year-old today and these were the gift bags. I'm dying. pic.twitter.com/OL4woeNjUv

— Lora Senf (is sort of here) (@Lora013) June 3, 2023

My 3-year-old came to tell me there was a “big big chicken” in our yard and you will never guess what it actually was

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 7, 2023