Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

What you need to know about toddlers is you can’t tell them any information because they will make it their business immediately. I told my toddler someone scratched our car and he burst into tears bc “but I don’t know where there are any car repair shops”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 8, 2023

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 11, 2023

my 6yo discovered my husband and i dated other people before we married eachother and lets just say her world is now shook

"YOU'VE KISSED OTHER PEOPLE?!"

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) April 12, 2023

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, "Son, we are a family of idiots."

— Mmmkay (@very_oddmother) April 14, 2023

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 12, 2023

Parenting is ok except for every once in a while when my 3-year-old requests “Ham Hands” for lunch, which is when she takes two handfuls of ham and eats it in the living room while she watches tv.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 11, 2023

judge: tell us in your words what happened

me: I cut up the pancake into pieces as requested but the pieces were…too small

jury (all toddlers): *GASPS*

Prosecutor to client, my son: we got him

— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) April 14, 2023

Teens be like, my room is a disaster and I didn't do any of my chores, but I need $20 and a ride.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 8, 2023

It’s not even 9am on a Saturday and my 5yo wants to know “who designed the insides of our bodies.” I need more coffee and also the name of a scientist who can explain this to him. I panicked and told him I’d get back to him in 24 hours with an answer.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) April 8, 2023

People you will never forget:

1. Childhood best friend
2. Favorite teacher
3. Person who told you they pour the milk before the cereal

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 14, 2023

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 10, 2023

My 5yo has been hounding me to take him to the bank to open a savings account. His exact words this morning: “Why should I keep my dollars in my piggy bank when they can be working for me?”

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) April 10, 2023

My 13 y/o daughter told me that a boy in class kept yelling out “Your Mom” to the math teacher to answer his questions so the teacher stopped class, called his mom and made the boy apologize. This dude can teach algebra and life lessons at the same time.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) April 10, 2023

As my coffee brews, 7 leaves the kitchen…

Me: “Where you goin?”
Him: “I wanna give the coffee machine privacy while it’s peeing.”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) April 11, 2023

911 what is you’re emergency? I’m at a large family gathering and somehow stuck playing with my own child while everyone else hangs out.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 9, 2023

The award in drama goes to my 5yo who stubbed his toe and told me he now needs one of those sticks that grandmas and grandpas use for walking

— meghan (@deloisivete) April 12, 2023

My daughter came in at 3 am and said she can’t sleep her sister is snoring and if this doesn’t prepare her for marriage I don’t know what will.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 14, 2023

I now understand why when parents met me as a teenager they immediately asked me to babysit even if we'd known each other for 30 seconds. Two college-age girls just toured the apartment under us to move in and I had to stop myself from screaming "DO YOU BABYSIT" out the window

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 14, 2023

This morning I walked into the kitchen and found an empty Trader Joe’s ice cream cone box on the floor. I called Birdie’s name and heard the pitter patter of her running away. I caught her trying to go downstairs with four ice cream cones. pic.twitter.com/JjZAbR34Mv

— Stephen Jenkins, MD 🦦 (@sjenkinsmd) April 12, 2023

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said "nothing," then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 14, 2023