21 Funny and Relatable Tweets About New Year’s Resolutions

UPDATE: My wife's resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 1, 2020

My new years resolution is to not eat an oreo every time i walk into the kitchen

— Natalie Mariduena (@natalinanoel) January 1, 2020

Me: Do you have any New Years resolutions?

Husband: I can’t really think of anything.

Me: *hands him a list*

— Jawbreaker 🎉🍾🥂 (@sixfootcandy) December 27, 2019

My New Year’s resolution was to lose 10 pounds and I’m ending the year with only 17 more to go.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 21, 2020

I hope my neighbor’s New Years resolution is to throw out the pumpkin on their porch.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 30, 2020

NOBODY claim 2023 as “your year”. We’re all going to walk in real slow. Be quiet. Be respectful. Don’t touch anything.

— Chrissy Dugas (@its_xtina_) December 14, 2022

New year, new me *finally fixes that plate thing in the microwave so it rotates*

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 31, 2017

A lot of people are exercising for their New Year's resolution.

I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 7, 2022

I told my teens that my New Year's resolution was to give them more hugs. My son looked me dead in the eye and said, "But not in public, right?" So my 2022 mission is to give them "public hugs."

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) January 1, 2022

New Year, New Me! Just kidding. I’m fairly certain I’ll remain overweight and continue to make bad decisions.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) January 1, 2022

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 31, 2020

my new year’s resolution is to have healthier thought patterns bc as of right now someone can text me “ok” instead of “ok!” & i’ll be in my head assuming they hate me and are praying for my untimely demise

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) December 28, 2018

I personally have no need for a resolution, but I think you should take a hard look under your refrigerator.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 31, 2018

Just told 10 he needs to shower tonight & he said, “Ok. Showering is one of my New Year’s Resolutions.”

🤦‍♀️

— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) January 2, 2020

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) December 31, 2022

New Year’s Resolution: stop putting lol after every text I send.. lol

— Gabi Geoia (@gabi_geoia) December 29, 2017

New Years resolution: try to worry less, fill that time with oh god what am I supposed to fill that time with this is already going terribly

— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) December 30, 2015

My New Years resolution is everything I said my New Years resolution was last year and the year before that I still haven’t done

— Alex (@alexd0rame) December 31, 2017

My husband and I play a risky game where we get to make one New Year’s resolution for each other every year.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) December 31, 2022

8-year-old: Time for a New Year's revolution.

Me: You mean "resolution."

8:

Clearly she did not.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2019

My New Year’s resolution is to be on the internet less. It’s not going well.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 1, 2023

Shoutout to everyone who said they would start eating healthy in the new year and already decided to wait until Monday.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 1, 2023