22 of the Funniest Tweets About New Year’s Resolutions

UPDATE: My wife's resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 1, 2020

My new years resolution is to not eat an oreo every time i walk into the kitchen

— Natalie Mariduena (@natalinanoel) January 1, 2020

Me: Do you have any New Years resolutions?

Husband: I can’t really think of anything.

Me: *hands him a list*

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 27, 2019

I hope my neighbor’s New Years resolution is to throw out the pumpkin on their porch.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 30, 2020

If anyone asks what your New Year's resolution is, say it's to spend less time making awkward small talk.

Then walk away.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2017

Nobody claim 2024 as “your year”. We’re all gonna walk in real slow. Be good. Be quiet.
Be cautious. Be respectful.
And DONT TOUCH ANYTHING

— ✨𝑀𝑒𝑙𝑙✨ (@ItWasntMeSir) January 1, 2024

New year, new me *finally fixes that plate thing in the microwave so it rotates*

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 31, 2017

A lot of people are exercising for their New Year's resolution.

I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 7, 2022

Shout out to everyone who resolved to eat healthy in 2024 and already decided to push that back a day.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 1, 2024

New Year, New Me! Just kidding. I’m fairly certain I’ll remain overweight and continue to make bad decisions.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) January 1, 2022

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 31, 2020

my new year’s resolution is to have healthier thought patterns bc as of right now someone can text me “ok” instead of “ok!” & i’ll be in my head assuming they hate me and are praying for my untimely demise

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) December 28, 2018

I personally have no need for a resolution, but I think you should take a hard look under your refrigerator.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 31, 2018

Just told 10 he needs to shower tonight & he said, “Ok. Showering is one of my New Year’s Resolutions.”

🤦‍♀️

— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) January 2, 2020

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) December 31, 2022

New Year’s Resolution: stop putting lol after every text I send.. lol

— Gabi Geoia (@gabi_geoia) December 29, 2017

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 31, 2023

My resolution was to watch what I eat in 2024.

I just successfully watched myself eat a Mars Bar.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) January 1, 2024

My husband and I play a risky game where we get to make one New Year’s resolution for each other every year.

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) December 31, 2022

8-year-old: Time for a New Year's revolution.

Me: You mean "resolution."

8:

Clearly she did not.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2019

My New Year’s resolution is to be on the internet less. It’s not going well.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 1, 2023

I read something that said if you want 2024 to be your year: get off the couch, go out more, be brave, & do things that challenge you. I’ve decided I no longer want 2024 to be my year.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) December 31, 2023