20 of the Funniest Tweets on Marriage and Parenting From Clint Edwards

My wife and I were planning a vacation, and I said “is it okay if I create a spreadsheet for this?” She said with absolutely glee, “Yes! A spreadsheet would be perfect!” I got my laptop, and she looked at me with not exactly lust, but something close. This is how we flirt now.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 23, 2021

I feel like everyone with multiple kids has one child with a daily word quota, and that quota must be met, no way around it, and the word count for that child is somewhere between the Grapes of Wrath and Moby Dick.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 2, 2022

6yo asked for a treat, and I said “we’re out. We’ll get some at the store tomorrow” and she said “no we’re not! Mom has chocolate behind the washing machine” and I kid you not, my wife’s soul fell from her body because somehow the kids found her private stash of Lindor truffles.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) October 17, 2020

Our Costco delivery came at 8am on a Saturday, and the delivery lady said “oh! Didn’t know if you’d be awake.” Lol! That’s the joke, friends! I’ve got three kids a dog and cat, I’ve been awake since 2006.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) December 5, 2020

5 min: we’re leaving soon. Is everyone ready?
Kids: yup!
3 min: get everything you need!
Kids: ok!
0 min: let’s go.
Kid 1: where’s bun-bun!!!
Kid 2: I can’t find my shoes!
Kid 3: ** explosive diarrhea **

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 25, 2019

We’re on day four of staying with my mother, and she’s still looking for the WiFi password. I don’t think my children have ever experienced this kind of hardship.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 8, 2019

We were at a drive through convenience store. The clerk asked what size of gummy bears my 6yo wanted, and my wife said “the smallest” while I said “the biggest.” He brought the biggest. I winked at my daughter, and said “who’s your favorite.”
“Mom,” she said.
Zero hesitation.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) December 19, 2020

I told my 7yo that I’m 38, and she started crying. When I asked why, she said, “I’m just sad because old people die.” So now I’m both touched because she loves me so much, and depressed because she obviously thinks my life expectancy is that of a 17th century colonial farmer.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 21, 2021

I once sprained my ankle at the park. My daughter asked me to push her on the swing, and I was like “I can’t walk” and she said, “Well, you could crawl!” And that’s everything you need to know about raising children.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 26, 2020

I told my 8yo that I had a Nintendo when I was kid, and she looked incredibly confused, and when I asked why, she said “but how’d it work?” A couple more questions and I realized she assumed I didn’t have electricity as a child… I was born in ‘82.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) February 10, 2023

At 26yo I slept on my friends love seat for two weeks. Felt fine.

At 36yo I slept funny one night on my pillow top king sized mattress with a feather pillow and now I’m hunched over like I toll a bell.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) May 17, 2019

My 7yo is walking around the house asking about everyone’s day offering them slices of cheese, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so optimistic about her ability to manage future relationships.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) January 11, 2022

10yo: I want the last brownie?
Me: it’s mom’s
10: why!?
Me: life advice, son. The last brownie is ALWAYS moms. Always. Stay safe.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) February 17, 2018

I’m playing “the game of life” with my 6yo, and she said “I’m taking the family path so I can have more money” and I don’t know exactly where this miss-information came from, but I literally had a heart attack from laughing. In fact, I’m dead. Dead from laughing. Dead and broke.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) December 31, 2020

My 11yo complained because the backseat windows were locked, so I told her that when I was a kid we didn’t have window locks, and car windows were opened manually, and she said “that’s insane! Did you ever die?”
“Yes. A couple times.”
Pretty sure she respects me more now.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) September 16, 2020

I hired a college student to tutor my son in Spanish. We were figuring out which app to pay her with and she told me in this excited voice about a new way her mom showed her to pay people. “It’s really easy,” she said. It was a check, you guys. She asked me to write her a check…

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) April 11, 2022

I posted online about yelling at my kids because I’m too lazy to go upstairs, and a commenter said she once yelled “are you hungry” so loud at her kids that her neighbor sent her a text that read “I am.” And this is exactly the kind of online support I needed.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 28, 2020

I went on a youth backpacking trip. I asked one of the teens what music he was listening too, he said “Some classic rock.” I assumed he meant Led Zeppelin or something, but then he listed off Blink 182 and Coldplay, and suddenly it felt like I came to America on the mayflower.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 1, 2022

My 7yo is arguing with me because I told her I saw The Nightmare Before Christmas when I was 11, which she feels couldn’t possibly be true because it’s in color, and obviously I was raised on silent movies and mastodon meat.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) December 13, 2021

Not sure what my son mumbled, but what I do know is my wife stomped across the room, shut off the TV, and gave him a glare that actually caused his soul to leap from his body and clean the living room, and for this reason alone I think she deserves to be the next Avenger.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) October 2, 2021