25 Priceless Quips From the Sassiest Grandma on Twitter

Sometimes, banana bread just happens while you’re thinking in the kitchen about other things.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) August 16, 2019

CAN I DO ANYTHING WITHOUT BEING ASKED TO COMPLETE A SURVEY AFTERWARDS

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) June 30, 2022

I did not join the Senior Center to hear about your pickle ball injuries.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) June 28, 2023

Laugh all you want. My Encyclopedia Britannica set will never require WiFi.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) July 21, 2025

I think we could all use a nice patty melt.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) March 1, 2025

I'm starting my fourth (4th) spiral notebook of people who have wronged me.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) November 10, 2018

For the love of God clean your toaster crumb tray.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 3, 2019

Single-ply is what happens when men are left to make important decisions.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 31, 2018

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 16, 2017

Back in the day we didn’t “order” “Edible Arrangements.”

We carried Crockpots and rang doorbells with our bare hands.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) February 13, 2018

If you can’t walk three (3) laps around the mall without succumbing to the siren call of Cinnabon, then maybe mall walking is not the sport for you.

cc: Barb

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) March 13, 2018

I carry a whistle to the grocery store in case someone violates the sanctity of the "15 Items Or Less" lane.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) March 24, 2018

I feel disappointed when obituaries don't include the cause of death.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 2, 2019

I’m still recovering from finding suds on my decorative seashell soaps.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 28, 2017

I just saw Chips Ahoy cookies at Church Coffee Hour. Sometimes one must open a window, take a deep breath, and count to infinity. pic.twitter.com/mbo8YeCxXs

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 15, 2023

People would be a lot less angry if they just put more butter on everything.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) June 29, 2020

I exact revenge on young drivers who text through green lights when I write checks at the grocery store.

Penmanship#

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) March 6, 2018

Though it takes extra effort, I clip my coupons with scallop-edge scissors to bring extra cheer to the Kohl's cashiers.

GivingBack#

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) January 1, 2018

Everything is ridiculous. Have some pie.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) September 13, 2020

Please excuse me while I rage crochet.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) August 10, 2021

I want to live in a pharmaceutical ad, where people wave to each other over picket fences, catch fish by sparkling lakes, ride bicycles along sun dappled streets, and giggle through a long list of possible side effects.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) August 9, 2021

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) May 15, 2018

A unknown white car just turned around in my driveway. Fortunately I was able to write down the license number.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) August 2, 2019

When I storm out of a room, I make sure I’m wearing my clickity-clackiest shoes.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) October 26, 2020

You haven’t lived until you’ve slammed down a rotary phone.

— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) April 17, 2021