Another week and and another round of funny and relatable quips from women.
Hope these bring some smiles to your day!
Janene
#1
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
— InsoMOMniac (@insoMOMniac) October 13, 2018
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
#2
my favorite thing about women is there is a hefty portion of us who, if asked, could immediately work for the fbi tracking people with approximately zero information.
— emily may (@emilykmay) December 16, 2023
his first name is john? he works in sales on the east coast? here's his entire family tree.
#3
there’s a guy on this street near me with a parmesan stand (a bunch of giant wheels of parmesan that he cuts and weighs out and prices accordingly) and his sales approach is to wave a small piece of parmesan at approaching women and i am embarrassed to say that it works
— “paula” (@paularambles) March 28, 2024
#4
me: *sends bcc email with myself as recipient*
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 17, 2025
email: *dings*
me: ooh what's that
#5
I’m not a licensed interior designer but I just figured out you can make a room look 30% bigger if you put away the 14 loads of laundry on the floor wow
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) July 20, 2018
#6
As a kid I thought u only got ur period once and after that u were fertile til menopause so when I got my 1st period I was like “oof well at least that’s over with!” And then my mom informed me it would be a monthly recurrence for the next 30+ yrs and I fell to my knees screaming
— Keara Sullivan (@superkeara) March 14, 2024
#7
me: ok im for real going to go to bed early tonight
— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) September 23, 2024
my brain: hey so unfortunately you gotta research what kind of whale is the biggest whale
#8
My 85 year old patient “can you call my mother?”
— RNSuperHero (@RNSuperHero) March 18, 2025
Uhhhh
*no shit his 100+ year old mother calls an hour later for an update* 😅
#9
I will stop using lol as punctuation as soon as they come up with a punctuation mark that conveys my need to be liked
— maria🦝 (@mariamainmo) February 22, 2024
#10
I was being sheepish about spending $200 on a dress and my husband goes, “well maybe it would help if you thought about it as a $100 top and a $100 bottom?”
— Alyssa 🌻 (@alyssaleann) March 20, 2025
Where did he learn girl math??
#11
right now my parents and 3 of 4 of us kids live in a roughly 2 mile radius and my brother sent a Zillow link to the group chat this morning and my other brother instantly replied, "too far from headquarters ."
— emily may (@emilykmay) March 20, 2025
#12
If you have an easy firstborn child, don't feel good about yourself. It's a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn't sleep.
— Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler) February 5, 2018
#13
I bet I’m gonna accidentally get married with a hair tie on my wrist
— jemima✨ (@jemimaskelley) May 7, 2018
#14
I’ve officially rescheduled my wedding to 2026… such a difficult decision but it’s for the best due to due my schedule and the current climate. It will also give me more time to find the person I’m marrying so I guess it works out.
— B 💋 (@raysofberry) April 23, 2024
#15
There is a greater chance I take a trip to mars in these yoga pants than I actually do some yoga in them
— L (@Ann_Hedonia1) March 20, 2025
#16
I gave one of my coworkers my Good hair tie today ugh I am such a team player. words like “backbone of this company” have been tossed around but i’m remaining humble
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) October 3, 2019
#17
78% of women reading this are wearing their hair in a weird bun right now.
— Girls.facts.stories (@GirlsFactsStory) July 12, 2025
#18
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
— faith (@faithnation) May 15, 2024
#19
I always used to wonder why middle-aged women were so angry all the time. Now I'm a middle-aged woman and I'm like oh this is why
— sarah (@sarahradz_) March 29, 2024
#20
incredible suggestion from my mom this morning pic.twitter.com/50Bj6hRsSe
— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) August 23, 2024
