Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
Wednesday evening giggle..
— karen thompson (@karenfthompson) August 7, 2024
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that's not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren't getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I'm going to need an ambulance.
🤣🤣🤣
#2
Someone brought Krispy Kreme doughnuts into work and told everyone to help themselves.
— 𝐏𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲 (@pearlylondon) May 15, 2024
Someone else at work cut 1 of the KK doughnuts in half, because 'they couldn't manage a whole one.'
They walk amongst us.
#3
“OK, THAT’S IT. YOU HAVE LOST YOUR SCOTCH TAPE PRIVILEGES!” I announce loudly up the staircase to whoever can hear me because motherhood turns you into a lunatic.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 9, 2024
#4
My over 6 ft tall, built like a linebacker teen said I was a bad parent for leaving him in the car while I ran into CVS as “someone could kidnap him.” I said I think that’s physically impossible & even if someone did manage to kidnap you they’d return you. Trust me, you’re safe.
— Mommy Needs a Life (@momneedsalife3) November 5, 2022
#5
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There's no way to tell.
— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) August 9, 2024
#6
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
— Helleanor Rigby (@Mom_Overboard) April 8, 2024
#7
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
— faith (@faithnation) May 15, 2024
#8
My parenting tip to you is if your kid ever says “taste this” or “smell this” under no circumstance should you do either of these things.
— Mommy Needs a Life (@momneedsalife3) December 2, 2022
#9
No one is filled with more false confidence than I am when I don't write something down because "I'll remember that."
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 7, 2024
#10
You should get to leave work early if you feel a chin hair
— Sophie Ross Brooks (@sophrossbrooks) August 9, 2024
#11
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re taking a sip and saying, “That’s good water.”
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) June 30, 2024
#12
My 14yo asked me to get her ice cream “as a reward for existing,” and honestly? Valid.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 4, 2024
#13
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
— Maddy ☃️❄️ (@MadHatterMommy) February 12, 2024
#14
Me: Oh, here’s a great place to store this!
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 2, 2024
Also me: Never finds it again.
#15
If I say “we should definitely do that some time” please don’t try to actually set a date and time. Just move on with your life.
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 28, 2024
#16
I’ve been in Paris for 72 hours and I regret to report that walking 16,000 steps per day and complaining about things over 2-hour lunch breaks has immediately fixed my entire life
— Janel Comeau 🍁 (@VeryBadLlama) May 12, 2024
#17
[grocery store]
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) May 15, 2024
Checker: Can I get your number?
Me: Oh, I’m flattered, but I’m not interested.
Checker: It’s for your rewards program.
#18
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
— Ok Kate (@Kateness8) May 25, 2022
#19
Honestly, whenever I say “the other day” it could be anytime between two days ago and sometime in 1996
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) August 6, 2024
#20
I dated a guy once who told me I should probably lose weight. I lost 185 lbs in 24 hrs. Tune in tomorrow for more weight loss tips.
— Blonde Ambition🧞♀️ (@CrzyCharly) August 11, 2019
