Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
Ah, well, the thing is, when I said we should "circle back to this in the new year", you have to understand that I genuinely thought this day would never come. I thought holiday forever
— Ross Sayers (@Sayers33) January 4, 2026
#2
Handing over my ID at the post office.
— Dave † 🇬🇧🏴🇺🇸🇮🇪🎸🎶 (@daveguitarjones) September 29, 2024
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
#3
I love the comments of recipes bc it's the only place you see "I give these cookies 1 star. I didn't have eggs so I used an iPhone charger and they came out horrible. I will not be making these again"
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) May 2, 2025
#4
there’s a guy on this street near me with a parmesan stand (a bunch of giant wheels of parmesan that he cuts and weighs out and prices accordingly) and his sales approach is to wave a small piece of parmesan at approaching women and i am embarrassed to say that it works
— “paula” (@paularambles) March 28, 2024
#5
I recommend speaking well around your children because then you get to hear 3yos say "certainly!" when you ask them to get a cup from the drawer
— 🌾🍁🍂 bosco 🍂🍁🌾 (@selentelechia) January 19, 2025
#6
I ate healthy today, so I expect a flat stomach by tomorrow
— Trey (@treydayway) September 27, 2024
#7
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 22, 2022
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
#8
love the vet. love to hear the staff keep saying “the patient” and it’s a lizard.
— brent (@murrman5) April 23, 2022
#9
once took a vacation on a beautiful african island and the thing i remember most was meeting a british guy who said “im from a small town, you may know us by our sauce…. worcestershire”
— emily (@cicadaxxseason) December 31, 2024
#10
Was my family excited about the hot dinner I spent two hours preparing? No. But did they eat it anyway and not complain because they love me? Also no.
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) May 18, 2022
#11
“this is totally gonna be my year” i say as i eat cheesecake with my bare hands at 4am
— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) January 2, 2025
#12
As you get older, your ability to successfully finish a movie in one sitting will disappear.
— shayla 🎀 (@callmeMaharani) December 28, 2024
#13
just accidentally closed a tab I’ve had been meaning to read for the past 2 years
— Laura (@fairycakes) March 23, 2024
#14
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) January 4, 2025
#15
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named "Internet." I said no way, that can't be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we've been having this discussion.
— Brianne M. Kohl (@BrianneKohl) March 18, 2022
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
#16
No one:
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) April 19, 2024
My cat at 4:12 am: These curtains are stupid, I’m taking them down
#17
Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler
— Trey (@treydayway) January 19, 2025
#18
“Listen to your body”
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) May 16, 2024
My Body: You slept weird so now your left knee hurts but probably some garlic bread could make you feel better
#19
I am going to sue the maker of these seals for intentional infliction of emotional distress. pic.twitter.com/Y1mxfjJSNL
— Julius Kim (@Julius_Kim) October 5, 2024
#20
Man sits by me on train.
— Paul Watson (@paul_c_watson) October 4, 2024
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How'd you know?
MAN: There's signs aren't there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying 'cycle paths'.
