20 Funny Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

My girlfriend just asked me if I could make her another couple bits of toast. She probably thought I'd need to get a second knife dirty. Wrong. I'd carefully rested the original knife on the edge of the sink. Been training my whole life for this moment.

— Ross Sayers (@Sayers33) October 14, 2024

Even though I was born in the 1970s, today I ate a sandwich and then – less than 30 minutes later – went for a swim.

— Gareth P Jones also available in Bluesky (@jonesgarethp) September 10, 2024

My dad spent the entire weekend trying to teach my sister how to drive. After countless near-misses, he calmly says, 'So, have you considered public transport as a long-term option?' 😂😭

— BadMan Cyph (@SteveCyph) May 27, 2024

My 3-year-old's favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef's hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, "We don't have that."

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 6, 2023

There are people who refuse to eat food past their best before date and there are people who disregard it completely and they marry each other.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 13, 2023

Turning middle aged should come with a complimentary gift basket filled with ibuprofen, BENGAY, readers, a bird feeder, and a gift card to a home improvement store.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) May 31, 2024

Before marrying there should be a compatibility test with questions such as: “Do you believe that little pocket in the car door is for garbage yes or no?”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 2, 2024

My son asked me if I could draw a dinosaur for him, so I did, and then he looked at it and very quietly said “ok I guess not”.

— The Dad (@thedad) March 6, 2023

the way they’re selling paper towels should be illegal you can’t just keep writing 6 paper towel rolls are 14 paper towel rolls I’m sick of being jerked around

— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) May 26, 2024

You know you’re over 40 when you have “upstairs ibuprofen”and “downstairs ibuprofen”.

— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) May 14, 2024

My 5-year-old pulled out three feet of dental floss.

I'm not sure if she's going to clean her teeth or kill a guy from behind.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 18, 2018

I will stop using lol as punctuation as soon as they come up with a punctuation mark that conveys my need to be liked

— maria🦝 (@mariamainmo) February 22, 2024

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 27, 2024

I honestly have no idea what a vitamin is. It’s in a banana but it’s also the sun? Sure.

— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) September 6, 2020

Just think, there used to be a whole class devoted to learning how to type and it was an hour a day for a full school year.

— krista (@kristabellerina) May 16, 2024

Just caught my tomatoes trying to sneak out. pic.twitter.com/hDIzAfM65P

— Douglas Cheape (@CheapeDouglas) September 24, 2024

i told her she can grab herself something to drink 🤣🤣 i forgot she don’t know how to read 😭😭😩 pic.twitter.com/b95bflcl9d

— Pryncess ✯ (@blackhautte) May 27, 2024

Got a pet cam to figure out what in God’s name goes on in this house while I’m gone and this is not surprising in the slightest pic.twitter.com/UJu5ernDxp

— Sarah Axelrath MD (@DrSarahAxelrath) December 2, 2023