20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

I was sick last week and now I’m losing my voice. I told my class today that I was losing my voice because I have to talk so much at work. A first grader raised her hand and said, “Wait, this is your job?!!”

— Michelle 🍎 (@michelleDbelle) February 18, 2025

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence.

— Rick Aaron (@RickAaron) February 17, 2024

My 6 year old wanted to tell me something but was adamant she couldn't say it in our house.

So we get in the car and she says:
"Mommy, I don't think Santa is real but I didn't want to say it in front of Cheeks because it would upset him."

Cheeks is our Elf on the Shelf.

— April Ajoy (@aprilajoyr) December 20, 2023

Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 20, 2021

To those of you who save gift bags and tissue paper all year long, this is our time to shine!

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) December 21, 2023

Sorry. Can’t. It’s my bday month so I have 423 businesses to patronize all so I can save $3.50 and get a free cookie

— floorboard (@StruggleDisplay) June 25, 2024

Heard a woman in Target ask her kid ‘is that a smart choice to make with your money?’ and now I wish she would follow me around the store, too.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 22, 2023

i’m back on instagram and there’s a lot of interesting stuff on there. for example my sister’s friend just posted a picture where she’s wearing a shirt i’ve been missing for four years

— kyle (@ipsumkyle) December 4, 2025

“I don’t know if I should have my own kids or just become a grandma and forget all that.”

– Lillian, 5 years old

— KID QUOTES! (@LiveFromSnackTi) September 10, 2023

In my will I’m leaving my kids an elaborate treasure map to a buried fortune. Once they finally locate and open it, it’s just going to be filled with everything they made me out of sticks and cardboard in elementary school

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 11, 2022

i love when i spell something so wrong that autocorrect is like “listen sweetie i dont know what to tell you”

— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) November 17, 2023

We are on vacation with 2 children and 2 adults over 65. 85% of our time is spent searching for food or a bathroom.

— Dr. Glaucomflecken (@DGlaucomflecken) July 1, 2024

Me: sprays on new perfume

First grader (as we walk into classroom): You smell like chicken nuggets.

— Michelle 🍎 (@michelleDbelle) September 5, 2023

When I was a kid I could name all the states and capitals in alphabetical order and now I’m excited if I can name what I had for breakfast two days ago

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) November 29, 2023

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim "I must go to the sea!"

— Adriana Porter Felt (@__apf__) July 30, 2023

Dog snoring: adorable
Husband snoring: unacceptable

— Midge (@mxmclain) February 22, 2024

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) September 14, 2024

I grabbed what I thought was a container of leftover chicken and potatoes from the fridge this morning on my way to the office, but it turns out it was actually cookie dough.

I regret nothing. pic.twitter.com/vfT5ObeOa5

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 20, 2023

I was freaking out, but it turns out my kid just inserted a whole fresh strawberry in her shoe and walked around like that for an hour pic.twitter.com/4mM6R0JHDi

— Robert Komaniecki (@Komaniecki_R) June 29, 2024

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait. pic.twitter.com/1r3RegBuof

— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) September 12, 2024