25 of the Funniest Tweets About Life With Toddlers

Hey if you could spare a prayer for my 2-year-old right now, his granola bar wrapper was pulled down slightly too low and it’s unclear if a recovery from this is possible.

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 9, 2021

honestly obsessed w the high drama of toddlers. my 2 year old fell & bumped her knee and she looked up at me like an ailing Victorian child & said “will I ever walk again??????????”

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 9, 2024

My toddler is trying to put away her crayons in a box with no bottom

I’d help her, but she’s too happy

She thinks she has infinite crayons

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 1, 2016

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) August 19, 2023

A toddler at the park said he’s having an extra large pizza delivered to the monkey bars and he’s so confident I’m staying to see if it happens.

— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) June 1, 2022

toddler *begs me to take him to McDonald’s*
me: Ok
[drive thru]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Pop Tarts

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 10, 2019

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– wants all of her fingers to be the same length
– I wouldn't let her eat a sponge
– her feet were sandy (we were at the beach)
– she doesn't want to be an only child (her brother "does not count")

How about your kid?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 27, 2021

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 28, 2018

I was in the closet eating cookies hiding from my kids and my 2yo busted in there like some DEA agent an and I hid those cookies like I was hiding weed from my mom.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) June 21, 2019

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 13, 2017

Oh man I did the thing where you rest your head on your toddler’s lap while they’re distracted and watching TV to gauge their true feelings about you and mine sweetly, absentmindedly patted my head and said “I really wish you would go away.”

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) April 8, 2022

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn't let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was "too wet"
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister "keeps looking at him"
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 8, 2019

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 11, 2022

Toddler’s new bit is to play doctor and always say “can’t fix that” no matter my ailment

— paige (@BonerWizard) July 11, 2025

I'm glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts. pic.twitter.com/mIJKNg2DEp

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2017

My toddler just yelled, “I’m not crazy!” at whoever he was pretending to talk to on his phone

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 28, 2018

We're watching Shrek as a family and at the moment when Fiona turned from a woman into an ogre, my 2yo pointed to the TV and said "now she's a mom."

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 15, 2022

My toddler threw a tantrum after I made him breakfast. Couldn’t figure out how to stop it then my wife comes over and makes him stop crying by moving the milk bottle from the left side of his breakfast plate to the right.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 5, 2024

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 23, 2019

My toddler’s daycare apparently uses the “clean up” song. My husband and I discovered this yesterday when we started singing it and it activated our kid like she was a sleeper agent and she immediately started putting her toys away.

— Marie CCS (@Marie_ClySar) August 14, 2022

toddler: I’m really high
friend:
me:
friend:
me: He means tall

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 11, 2018

Thrilled to announce that instead of saying “What are you doing?” my 2-year-old child goes around asking, in a tiny haunting voice, “What have you done?”

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 30, 2022

When my 2yo doesn’t want to talk anymore, she ends the conversation with “happy birthday” and walks away waving bye.

— Princess | Mindfulness | Conscious Parenting (@themultiplemom) May 8, 2023

i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.

— rachelle mandik 🕳 (@rachelle_mandik) January 9, 2018