20 of the Best Tweets from the Hilarious “One Awkward Mom”

I never saw myself getting a divorce, but then my husband let our toddler have a granola bar in the living room after I finished vacuuming it.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 15, 2022

Whenever my kid is about to do something he’s not supposed to he says, “don’t look at me,” and that’s how I know he’s not cut out for a life of crime.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) January 26, 2022

How loudly do I need to unload the dishwasher before my husband knows I’m mad

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 7, 2022

The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 13, 2022

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 10, 2022

My toddler started babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, “I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you”, so he’s my stress management coach now

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 20, 2022

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 23, 2022

I choked on some water earlier and during my coughing fit, my 4yo asked me to be quiet so he could hear the tv. It’s safe to say I should start saving for a nursing home now.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 4, 2022

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) February 15, 2023

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 7, 2022

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won't accommodate you if the baby is yours

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 6, 2022

Disney princesses sure complain a lot considering they are left alone to take long, coma-like naps and have magical animals to help with housework

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 18, 2022

My toddler came into the bathroom while I was on the toilet and said, “you pooped! You get a cookie!” This is the only level of enthusiasm I’ll be accepting from now on.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 5, 2022

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 11, 2022

Heard a woman in Target ask her kid ‘is that a smart choice to make with your money?’ and now I wish she would follow me around the store, too.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 22, 2023

I asked my husband for help picking up before company gets here so naturally he’s out replacing the sprinkler heads

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 19, 2022

Husband: do you remember the other day, when I said..

Me: I remember everything you say for quality assurance purposes, go on..

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 12, 2022

My 4yo spilled some cereal and when I asked him to clean it up, he called the dog. There is nothing left for me to teach him.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 27, 2022

Husband: I thought you said you had therapy.

Me: Yes?

Husband: You’re parked in the driveway listening to a book and scrolling your phone.

Me: And I have 23 minutes left in my session.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) March 4, 2024

Do you panic that you’re choosing the wrong answer during an eye exam or are you normal.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) April 28, 2024

Sorry I can’t make it, it’s dark by 6pm and I have an astigmatism and also I don’t want to.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 14, 2024