Top 25 Best Tweets From Funny Mom Katie D.

Every year on my birthday my daughter asks how old I am and then cries and tells me she doesn’t want me to die so that’s a fun tradition

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 15, 2024

Told my daughter to be cool while we smuggled snacks into the movie theater and she started crying because “the police officers will get us”. She’s not cut out for a life of crime.

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 28, 2021

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 27, 2024

My daughter complained to her grandparents that I never make her clam chowder so when she left their house today she was the new owner of three giant tupperwares full of homemade clam chowder and a smug smile

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 17, 2023

Was in the store with my daughter when she very excitedly yelled “LOOK MOM ITS JUST LIKE YOUR POT PLANT!”

Potted plant. She meant potted plant.

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 14, 2024

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 30, 2024

Took my daughter to Disney land and after spending an exhausting day doing rides and gift shops we asked her what her favorite part was and she said “the bus was pretty cool”. The bus ride. To get into the park. That was her favorite.

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 1, 2024

*daughter writes note* your the worst mom ever

Me: it’s *you’re*

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 4, 2022

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 27, 2024

Tried to complain to my mom about the difficulties of raising a stubborn child and her eyes rolled so far back in her head I don’t think they’re ever coming back

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 24, 2022

I’m the oldest sibling, or as I like to call it, the rough draft child

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 23, 2023

I love being a cat owner. They’re such easy pets to- STOP ATTACKING THE CURTAINS! QUIT EATING THE PLASTIC BAG YOU ALMOST DIED LAST TIME- but like I was saying very low maintenance pets

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 17, 2024

I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older and she laughed so hard she cried a little

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 17, 2022

I’m a go-with-the-flow person as long as the flow has been planned at least 3 days in advance

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 16, 2024

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 29, 2023

My daughter wanted to go to the park and I really didn’t feel like it so she said “you could bring your new book and sit in the sun” and now we’re at the park

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 8, 2024

I’m personally offended by how far I have to scroll to get to my year of birth now

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 19, 2022

The older you get the more deeply you care about the layout of grocery stores

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 9, 2023

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 11, 2023

My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 18, 2024

My daughter’s new bluetooth karaoke mic has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared and we are all just so, so sad that we can’t find it

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 21, 2025

Guys I tried not buying the little treat and saving money and it was not worth it

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 19, 2024

My daughter was mad at me and yelled “I’m gonna spend the day in my room and you’ll be ALL ALONE all day!” And that just isn’t the threat she thinks it is

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 13, 2025

My daughter told me I’m too old to enter her fort so for the next hour I will be constructing the world’s best blanket fort and only those 30 and above are welcome

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) February 15, 2025

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 13, 2024